weight...yeah the old subject of which we angst over and babble endlessly about how to change...wanting to change....needing to change.
knowing what to do, and yet never doing it. or in small steps.
this may be a trigger post for some....inspiration for others...whatever it is i hope it helps us all
all my life i have been heavy...well i think for a brief shiny moment when i was like 9 or something i know i wore a 2 piece bathing suit but since then ha ha NO WAY! i remember in catholic school with uniforms, plus size was so NOT a thing that was available i had to really hope and pray every year that i could get a skirt to fit! there was the summer one of my supposed best friends in school decided it would be fun to call me EVERY day for two months , ask for me, when i answered the phone she would say "DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE FAT?" i didn't find out who this cruel person was until i went back to school that fall. when i asked her why she did it , she said to me "because you ARE fat" ...needless to say we were never friends again. then there was a party at my uncles, all us kids were in the basement where we always hung out to play pool and listen to music, and one of my cousins hauled off and punched me square in the nose! while he did it he said "you are SO FAT!"...i mean come on people why were you such brats!
i was set free into public school once i hit the high school years and for the first time in my sophomore year i got to have my first pair of jeans! i kid you not it was that long til i had a pair ,,,and now i practically live in them! i still did fun stuff in gym, played tennis , i was on the swim team , so it wasn't that bad then too much but give it time ya know?
fast forward to my working years in retail...always on my feet, walking everywhere but still nothing coming off as far as weight goes, but somewhat remaining stable on the gaining part...
UNTIL....i got married for the first time. now please do not get me wrong here i am not in any way blaming my ex husband for any of this , what happened was a result of the circumstances in our lives. we were happy for a while...i thought for a long while, i did notice a pattern though....he had his own demons he was fighting , which ultimately broke us up...but i am happy to say he is 9 years clean and sober(so glad for him because he really is a good guy) i remember distinctly i had to be rushed to the hospital with a gaul bladder attack and well i had no idea what was going on i thought i was having a heart attack so i started to write down all my vital information....name...contacts in case of emergency(like it being a heart attack) and weight. he looked at it and FLIPPED out. he was shocked i was the weight i was and frankly so was i. i had gained 60 pounds in the 7 years since we were married....SIXTY ...HOLY CRAP!!! i had a great doctor who said i was extremely healthy for a big girl. golly i miss that doctor he was a riot!
it used to bother me that my ex was always using his refreshments to deal with life,,,,i mean really BOTHER me. i did not understand it, i could not figure out why a person could be addicted to something when they knew it was not good for them , did horrible things to their body , etc... then i discovered a fantastic writer geneen roth....she is great with getting to the heart of the matter with weight and what triggers it all. and what i discovered about myself is that i myself was an addict. i was addicted to food, and still am. but not in the way you would think. i use it in replacement of things, love, happiness, friendship, and out of boredom. sad i know. i used it as a substitute,,,,,little debbie snack cakes and i are practically twins!
so now, another 20 pounds on me....my feet kill me , now that its summer they swell if i don't have shoes on i can lace up(tennis shoes and the like) i can't wear sandals much i can feel the water on the top of my feet ick! and i am not even going to get into my personal life lets just say ...uh lets just say yeah lets get this taken care of....and my face,,,please on top of perimenapause hitting me in the nose here i am breaking out like a 15 year old~ugh!
my friend stacey and i had a great talk tonight. she is a wonderful inspiration and nearly to her goal weight...GO STACEY GO!!! she is a great friend i have always been able to talk to about damn near anything! very encouraging and kind!!! love ya stacey!
i know what to do.
i know how to do it.
the thing is....and tell me if i am crazy here,,,,,what if it changes me so much i am not "me" anymore? i mean really is that nuts?
ok yes i know it won't change me....only i can change me
and that i what i need to do....get healthy.....get moving....
and this my friends is one of my biggest addictions....not food really i eat healthy 95% of the time,,,,its this little thing, this minute tiny granule,,,,
i use it like its air...on nearly everything. and i need to stop, use it sparingly. the only thing i really have to have it on is eggs.....seriously the rest of it i just put it on out of habit and most times i really can't stand the way it tastes on things....how stupid is that? i mean really! stupid right?
so if you know me and even if you don't, i can use all the encouragement i can get!
thanks for listening......